these are excerpts from the letter sent to police


WARNING: Please use caution in reading the following material as it describes the experience of child sexual abuse and it could prove to be a trigger for some people, especially survivors of child sexual abuse. 


Sometime during school, Steve invited me to see the movies in his new camper called a Toyota Chinook. The movie theater was in San Jose and I believe it was called "The Meridian"  When we arrive, he asked me to get stoned (smoke marijuana) with him in the camper.  I believe that was the first time I had tried it. We smoked marijuana in the back of his camper.  I remember being scared walking inside the theater realizing I was stoned. I don't recall the movie. It could have happened on the way in, but I am more confident that when we got back to the camper, Steve stopped at the right front fender and wanted to talk.  He handed me a drawing which he said he found.  It was of a naked (possibly eunuch) person with big wings pointing up as if the person was flying to heaven.  At the bottom is said something very close to (if not exactly):"My love soars when I think of you".  After I looked at the paper (it was about 2.4in wide and 3in tall) Steve told me something like (if not exactly): "This is how I feel about you". I am not totally sure what happened after that and it is very upsetting to think about it because I suspect Steve asked me to get stoned again in the back of his camper.  

The only other time I have been to that theater was years later on a date.  After the movie, my date and I were sitting in my car, in the same parking lot where Steve and I were, talking when I had a panic attack.  I had never experienced this, and my brain began to race.  As quickly as I could, I told the girl I had to go.  I sat for a few minutes in my car but was way too upset to move or get help. I imagine this took 5-10 minutes and 30-60 minutes to be able to drive home.  I was so rattled from the panic attack that it took me months to put it behind me.

Steve personally invites me to go on a camping trip to Yosemite. To my knowledge this is my first overnight trip away from Family.

Parents dropped off their kids in front of School on a cloudy morning. For this reason, I believe the trip was Saturday to Sunday. Not Friday like I thought before. The month is October or November. We get in a standard Yellow bus. We were mostly at the front so I suspect there were 10-15 of us.  Steve is the only adult I recall other that the Bus driver.

In the evening Steve and I are walking down a slope into a meadow where there are no tents except Steve's halfway down on the right.  There are no other tents visible nor any voices audible; I was aware that Steve and I are alone. Steve announces to me that I am sleeping with him in his tent. This is somewhat alarming because I am not sleeping with the other kids, but at the same time it is also flattering because Steve is the coolest teacher, and very influential.  The tent is two-person, triangle shaped and probably orange.  The entrance faces the small meadow.  After talking for a minute or two, we get into the tent and we both get in our sleeping bags, mine is a green rectangular Coleman, and his is the "goose-down" style which narrows at the feet. I do not recall what I was wearing (but I was wearing something).  I believe Steve had a shirt and "bikini" style underwear when we first got into our separate bags.

I am trying to go to sleep when Steve points out how cold it is. I'm guessing he continued for five minutes talking about the cold. Following this, Steve asks me if I would help him warm up by getting in his sleeping bag with him.  I told him I did not want to do this.  He continues on talking about this in 3-4 short conversations in about 20-30 minutes.  I had made it clear that I did not want to do this. Finally, Steve said something to the effect of "you need to get in my bag now".  It became clear to me that I had to do this because he said so.

I groped my way into his sleeping bag facing him.  It was uncomfortably close.  When I settled in, I was facing him straight as a board with my hands in front of me trying not to touch him.  He was on his right shoulder facing me and I was on my left shoulder.  It felt to me like he began to bow him self out at the middle as soon as I get settled.  Quickly I noticed his penis was touching my hands. I believe he had taken his underwear off but I cannot be certain. It took me a couple of seconds to register that it was his penis touching the back of my hands.  As soon as I understood I was touching him, I said nothing and got out of his bag and into mine.  I was facing the tent away from him because I was confused and did not want to talk.  For 5 minutes or so I believe he briefly complained about me getting out--but I was trying not to pay attention.  I could hear him moving around in his bag and I suspected he was playing with himself. This went on, while I tried to distance myself and go to sleep.  I don't know how long it took me to get to sleep.

That was the last I recall of the situation because I did not want to think of it. I do not recall anything we did during that trip, other than getting on the bus and the period between Steve and I talking while walking to the tent and me attempting to sleep.

MENTAL MANIPULATION AND CONTROL                                                                                                                                  I do not recall feeling insecure or lacking self esteem until going to Crittenden.  In a conversation I had before going to a church for donations, STEVE PUT THE IDEA IN MY HEAD that something was wrong with me, and in particular, my dad was ignoring me in favor of work.  Steve then paraded me to the church people saying I was an example of the kind of person that needed Traveling School to get better. Yes, my dad did work too much, but Steve convinced me that it was much worse than it really was.  From about that time on, I considered my dad someone who did not give me the love and attention I deserved.  This led to a feeling that my dad had let me down, and since then, until his death, I have been jaded about his fathering. This I realize was an exaggeration of the truth about my dad.  It was an exaggeration about how many problems I had.  I have fully embraced these exaggerations all these years.